Whatever you do, DO NOT...

Have you been invited to a family gathering of a major donor? Perhaps this is a new twist for you.

Some of my favorite memories as a fundraiser have occurred when a major donor invited me to meet their extended family members. I soon discovered the value of being invited and included at these gatherings.

A scenario might look like this:

🍗You’ve just been invited to attend a family barbecue with Mary, a major donor. Mary is a former board member for your cause. Previously you met her husband John. Mary and John are easy to be with, and they have been generous with their money and time. How do you respond?

It’s tempting to overthink the invitation.  “Are they just being nice?  Do other family members know I’m coming?  It seems like my presence could be an intrusion. Will Mary’s family regret it? Are they going to expect me to say something about the cause?” And on and on.

Here is my strategy:

• Accept the invitation, then make a flexible plan allowing you to stay as little as 30 minutes or as long as a few hours.
• Tune up your curiosity and awareness antenna. Use this chance to engage and learn about them; let that be your primary agenda.
• Have a 30 to 90 second elevator pitch of your cause ready if asked.
• Read the room. (My friend Sandy, in the story below, failed to do this…)
• Relax!

This is one of my favorite movie scenes from Ocean’s 11. The clip ends when Rusty says, “Whatever you do, don’t under any circumstances…” right before he is interrupted and can’t complete the sentence. This exemplifies so well the pressure and anxiety we as major donor fundraisers often feel when going to a gathering of wealthy and influential people.  

I sometimes think about how I would complete Rusty’s sentence. Then I recall this story (as always, names and details changed to protect the guilty).

Every Friday night the Smith family gathered for homemade pizza and a favorite movie or board games. My friend Sandy, who represented a nonprofit cause they supported, was invited to join them. This occurred because Sandy was in town to attend meetings with donors. However, the Smiths were only able to meet during their Friday family gathering. “This will be fun,” they thought, “to have Sandy drop in for a visit.”

The following week I got a call from Bob Smith. It wasn’t a happy call. “Hey, J.Paul, can you give Sandy a bit of coaching?  She overstayed her welcome on Friday evening. She was at our house for over four hours.” My heart sank. I was so sorry to hear that.  

Sandy is a kind, competent fundraiser, however she really fell asleep at the wheel with regard to this visit. What could she have done differently? What if she only stayed about 45 minutes (enough time to participate in the homemade pizza ritual and some light hearted conversation). This would have allowed her to make a timely exit. I believe she might have been invited back.

Building relationships with extended families can feel risky, yet it is so well worth the investment of your time. My counsel is this. Rather than just saying "don't do this under any circumstances (ie, overstaying your welcome", I want to encourage you to grow relationships with extended families by encouraging the involvement of their children. Invite spouses and children to attend vision trips. Pray for them. Use the buddy system! Talk with a fellow professional about how things are developing. If Sandy had called me before that Friday evening, her visit with the Smiths might have turned out differently for everyone.

As you dive into this sacred work I am praying you will discover new opportunities to build meaningful relationships with the families of your major donors.

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‍I look forward to hearing about your good work.

Blessings,